Mike Seaver’s Growing Pains: From Pinup Boy to Religious Nutcase

Truth be told, it’s  probably Kirk Cameron’s fault that I spent my junior high years lusting in my heart. Mike Seaver was one of my very first TV crushes. His smile, wit, charm and 501s clad butt made me lovesick every time I watched him and Boner get themselves out of whatever sticky mess they had managed to get themselves into.

But just like all the rest of my junior high crushes I’ve ran into as an adult, I now wonder just what the hell it was I was thinking.

It’s not that Kirk let himself go or that age has been unkind to him. It’s his religion and obvious guilt trip over his years of his body providing fantasy material for millions of teens everywhere that has made me thank God for my unanswered prayers.

If the dust-up over Kirk’s hate fest on CNN’s Peirs Morgan Friday night was the first time you’ve had the chance to run into Mikey since growing pains, let me catch you up.

Mike Seaver grew up to be a Trinity Broadcasting mega star. In amongst the lady with pink hair, faux gold stage sets and cheap plastic love gifts for a donation of twenty dollars or more, Kirk has found a home for his brand of “If you died tonight you are going to hell” theology along with a mustached evangelist with a New Zealand accent by the name of Ray Comfort.

Every week Kirk and Ray take to the streets to narrow down the 66 books of the Bible into a pat set of questions and verses designed to guilt their victims into turning away from their sin and accepting Jesus as their own personal buddy, lord and savior.

Never mind that the show is mostly an infomercial for their books, CDs, DVDs and unaccredited “School of Biblical Evangelism”, these guys have become big names with the same group that scoop up cheesy Thomas Kinkade paintings by the collection load and that made Charles in Charge’s Willie Aames Bible Man character a household name.

Just like the rest of the “God can be purchased at some christian bookstore for $10.99 on book or CD” crowd, Kirk and Ray also believe that dinosaurs and humans co-existed happily together, a woman doesn’t have the right to choose what to do with her own body and that Left Behind is more than just a bunch of badly written novels and movie series, it’s actual theology.

In short, Mike Seaver grew up to be Rick Santorum with better marketing skills.

Thankfully, though, not everyone in the Seaver household considers the gays to be detrimental and destructive.

After Kirk’s disgusting remarks on Friday, Mike’s dad, Jason Seaver (Alan Thicke) tweeted,“I’ll deal with Kirk’s comments as soon as I recover from Rush Limbaugh’s” and “I’m getting him some new books. The Old Testament simply can’t be expected to explain everything.”

Sister Carol (Tracy Gold) also chimed in with a very bold and touching,”I am a strong supporter of the #LGBT Community, and I believe in equal rights for all. #NOH8 #LOVE

Modern Family’s Jesse Tyler Ferguson was a few years behind me in discovering Cameron had left us lying in a puddle of homophobia. Over the weekend he tweeted: “The only unnatural thing about me being gay is that I had a crush on Kirk Cameron until about 24 hours ago.”

 

 

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